I'M THOMAS EDISON!!!
(Scene opens with Scott Thorson tending to Thomas Edison – room is silent, except for the mournful strains of Barber’s “Adagio.” Thorson spoons some gruel into the mouth of the near-comatose Edison, shakes his head at the camera and sashays offstage. Once he has left the stage, Edison’s eyes pop open and he stirs back to life…)
Edison: Alone at last! What a relief to finally let my thoughts and musings rest on far weightier matters than a mere lightbulb or a phonograph. I am no one-trick Clydesdale! Though my body is infirm, my mind is full of vigor, bursting with earth-shattering new ideas! These are the ones I should be remembered for! Film projector, bah! My only regret is that I am too feeble to fully see these infant creations to realization. Perhaps worthy successors will take up where I left off...HONOR MY NAME!
---ON TRIP TO THE MOON---
(Edison, is propped up on the cot, waving arms wildly. Thorson stands in corner, at ready, shaking his head the whole time.)
Edison: (holding Melies mask up to face, talks in cartoonish French accent) Hello! Hello! It is I, Inventor Crazybrains, the Man with The Rubber Head, the Up-To-Date Conjuror, the Phrenologist and his Lively Skull, Bob Kick, the Mischievous Kid, the Chloroform Fiend, Uncle Rube and it’s my Birthday, the Devilish Plank, the Clown with the Portable Body, the Human Pump! And most assuredly, the greatest director in all the land! No?
(drops mask with a grand flourish) NO! It was me! Thomas Edison all along! Did you enjoy my 500 films? A mere diversion in between spirited rounds of lawn darts! After all, Melies is just an anagram for Edison, isn't it? ISN’T IT? Trip to the moon? I'll show you all, I spent six hours filming a circus strong man! I’ll show you a Wonderful Airship! Circumnavigate that porridge right over here! I’M THOMAS EDISON!
---ON KARAOKE---
Edison: Piano rolls - how I hate them! Why cannot the unwashed masses vocalize along to the popular tunes of the day? I've got it! I'll call it kar-i-o-keee... I am truly the wizard of Menlo Park!
---ON BOXING CATS---
Edison: The lightbulb? Bah! I’M THOMAS EDISON! Show me the man who can combine pugilist cats and iced cream delicacies under the same circus sideshow tent and I will call him genius!
--- ON ICE CREAM RIOTS ---
(Midway through speech, Jacksonville Landing backdrop will lower behind Edison, “Sorcerer’s Apprentice” will cue up, and puppets will rise up from each side of the cot and alternately torment Edison or throw ice cream cones at one another.)
Edison: But… But… a word of warning… I see a sun-kissed city drenched in flames, terrible flames, fires that will not even be quenched by the delicious iced creams that once flowed freely through the streets like phosphates and sasparilla! I see houses divided, brother against brother, womens’ ankles clearly exposed, spoons inflicting grievous injuries! All because some devious rogue could not deliver the sweet treats he had promised to that harbor town! To every man, a bellyful! Lies! LIES! And for that, wild-eyed men donned bowls ‘pon their brows and whirled about like dervishes. Broken windows, ruffled handlebar moustaches, tipped over applecarts, petticoats turned into deadly weapons, carnage! I see the wounded stretched out in all directions, parched tongues still vainly hungering for the merest touch of vanilla bean! WHY? WHY? WHY? The vision fades…
---ON ASTRONAUTS---
Edison: I tell you they're wrong - the first astronaut will be no mere soldier or technician. He'll have to be of hardier stock - perhaps an Appalachian folk singer? And bravery? Yes, all that and more! He shall be a risk taker by nature - a gambler, if you will... But he needs that extra edge - we'll replace his brain with clockwork gears. And his proud brow will be adorned with a headband! A HEADBAND!
---ON COACH SHORTS---
Edison: Why must athletic instructors be encumbered with baggy pantaloons? There is no freedom of movement, with which to whoop about and make a great hoopla - stirring their charges on to victory! I am developing tiny pants or shorts, if you will, that will be form-fitting and snug as they are comfortable! But these "shorts" cannot be hewn from any fabric know to man. I envision a cloth hybrid, soft to the touch, yet durable enough to repel the charge of the buffalo. I'll call it Poly-Edison!
---ON ICE CREAM SCULPTING---
Edison: Yes, I've been to the Louvre and I've walked among the ruins of the Acropolis --- and I was disgusted by what I saw! They call this art? The talented sculptors of the ages have been forced to fumble around with refuse like marble, clay (choke), and metals. I, THOMAS EDISON, CALL THEM ABOMINATION! The only true medium for sculpture is and has ever been iced creams! Only when I see the David recast in purest Neopolitan will I smile again!
---ON CAKEWALKS---
Edison: Bakeries you call them...HA! I call them pits of sloth and indolence. Once men, proud men, hunted for their food and revelled in it. How can I do any less with baked confectionaries? Am I not a man? I’M THOMAS EDISON! Prowling in a circle, stalking the cake in the manner of a proud panther - YES - only the nimblest will be rewarded with cake - YES! And there is more; there must be soothing yet deceptive music playing, whispering in the ear of the proud cake walker as did the Sirens to the Argonauts - so that only the man who resists their treacherous song and is boxing catlike in grace will emerge triumphant with a cake and a howl! And if only I was younger that man would be me, THOMAS EDISON!
(gestures wildly, collapses back onto bed, Thorson approaches with hot plate as screen fades to black)
RINGMASTER: "And now Thomas, let your dream become........REALITY!"
